You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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