Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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