YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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