Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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