just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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