I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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