so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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