I think I am morally bankrupt
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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