I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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