WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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