How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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