captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We have started to decorate penises.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
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Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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