She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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