i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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