At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
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Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize