I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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