I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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