You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize