remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize