saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize