im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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