Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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