And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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