i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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