Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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