she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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