I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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