so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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