I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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