you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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