I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
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PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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