I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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