hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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