this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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