i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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