dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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