Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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i've created a new STD.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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