I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize