I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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