Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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