And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
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I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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