every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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