So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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