Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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