he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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