Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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