I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
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So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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