i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize