Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish i was in the wii world.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
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Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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