Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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